Flowers are blooming, the days are longer and I am working very hard on not scratching my eyes out from all of the beautiful blooming flowers. Ah, spring. I am, in absolutely no way, a person who enjoys winter so I will take the warmer weather, itchy eyes and all, and be happy that we can unwrap ourselves from our snuggies like butterflies from cocoons.
Living in a coastal Mississippi county means that approximately four inches of my closet is devoted to winter wear, and every inch after that (that hasn’t been overtaken by dust bunnies and dog hair) houses sleeveless shirts, sandals and summer maxi dresses. I dig maxi dresses for many reasons including: the comfort; the fit, which is friendly to girls like me who fall firmly into the pear-shaped category; and the fact that they hide my very white legs. Also, the comfort. Again. Maxi dresses can be more comfortable than pajamas and I am all for anything that allows me to leave the house feeling like I am in my jammies. They are also pretty much my slippery slope into becoming a Mrs. Roper lookalike. In fact, if anyone has some sort of petition I can sign to make caftans appropriate workplace attire, please send it to me. I will post it, share it, tweet it and become a champion of a business caftan dress code. It would make casual Fridays more festive, I believe, what with all of us flowing around in our exotic prints and large sunglasses. Like an army of very efficient Nichole Richies. Conference calling and researching and analyzing would be much more productive if we all felt like we were lounging in a cabana in Miami is all I’m saying.
Do you see what happens here? My intent was discuss winter clothes yet, here I am, talking caftans. It goes against my very nature to discuss turtlenecks and wool pants, which is exactly why my closet is in its current state of chaos and I spend precious time on cold, winter mornings staring blankly at shelves full of summer clothes when it is 28 degrees outside.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Dumbest Winter Wardrobe, Possibly Ever.
These are examples are my go-to pieces for winter:
Do you SEE the ridiculousness displayed here? Let’s discuss.
This is an adorable cropped ¾ sleeved coat. Let’s let that sink in for a moment. A cropped, ¾ sleeved coat. Cute but totally impractical as it is pretty much impossible to stuff that coat under the coat it is necessary to wear over it if you are going outside.
Next is seemingly practical winter wear. It’s fuzzy. It is warm. But it is missing pockets, which are a necessity for me in winter because, please, do you think I own gloves? Ha!
This is my favorite because it is so pretty with its big buttons and lovely, full-length sleeves. However, it is more of a fall/spring coat and is really too light-weight to do the job I need it to do in February. It does have pockets and sleeves, though, so that is a bonus.
This set of examples, in order: 1- has no pockets and ¾-length sleeves, 2- is so thin you can actually see the couch behind the fabric in the photo, 3- has short, butterfly sleeves and 4- is a ¾ sleeve turtleneck. Again, with the logic here. Because my forearms are very warm but my neck is cold?
And while these are examples of unwise wardrobe choices, I can usually get from the car to the office pretty quickly without gloves or a coat that makes much sense. However, there are instances that require actual winter clothing appropriate for the outdoors that I do not possess. I am no Carrie Bradshaw, but I do make an effort to look nice when I leave the house. I wear makeup, even to the mailbox, and have been known to suffer for cute shoes. But when temperatures fall below 50 degrees, all bets are off. Apparently. Anything colder than that and I end up looking like a hobo in public because I mistakenly assume that in Mississippi, none of us have appropriate winter clothing, we will all look ridiculous and I won’t stand out. For example, at my husband’s last football game of the season, I wore really cute riding boots, jeans (I did have fleece leggings on underneath), a hoodie, a pair of $1 gloves from Target, a scarf that was cute but matched absolutely nothing else I wore and a headband that I wear when I run. So, never, really. It was … not a good look, but since everyone else would be in similarly ridiculous outfits, I knew I would be fine. Of course, everyone else found some sort of winter weather clothing emporium, or maybe an outpost or something
full of adorable clothes complete with crocheted head pieces and matching scarves and iPhone-ready gloves. I stuffed hand warmers in my boots because, while I wore fleece leggings, I had on thin socks because of course I did, and I tried to own the look even though it looked like my 4-year-old had dressed me.
So I am bidding farewell to winter – to sweaters that only keep me partially warm and jackets with no pockets, to my snuggie and to shoes that cover my toes – and saying hello to summer, sandals and caftan Fridays at the office. Fingers crossed.
Here’s to you Helen Roper. Like most great fashion icons, you were before your time.